Monday, March 17, 2014

Resolve

I think about the people who've left me
And it makes me want to cry

I think about spending the rest of my life suffering
And it makes me want to die

I think about never becoming anybody
And it makes me want to hide

I think about slowly wasting away
And turning my back on this so-called life

But then I think about tomorrow
And sometimes it makes me smile

So I'll try to think about the good for awhile
And maybe give this whole thing another try


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Alana

Saturday, March 15, 2014

Just Say Goodbye

There's no reason to try any longer
Your decision has been made
It's time to mourn you, accept it, and move on
Live to fight another day



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Alana

Wednesday, March 12, 2014

An Idea

Lent started a week ago. This year, I gave up reading Fanfictions.

I did this for two reasons: 1, I don't actually have many vices left, so it's hard to think of what to give up. 2. I wanted to assure myself that I would actually start doing it again once Lent is over.

I'm someone who gave up meat (2006), cussing (2008), and candy (2013) for Lent and have yet to pick them back up. And as someone who is taking online classes this semester, choosing something lofty like giving up the internet wouldn't have been a good idea for many reasons.

Thus, no Fanfic reading for me until Easter.

But I give myself something to focus on as I go without each year by adding something into my life as I take something away. If only to ease off on the shock of quitting something cold turkey.

This year as I go without reading Fanfics, I have decided to write a new one.

It's taken me a week to figure out what I wanted to write, but I woke up this morning with an idea based on one of the movies that I saw yesterday. I didn't like one of the plot twists, so I tried to think about what would have happened if that particular twist hadn't happened and how that would have affected the story as a whole.

Ergo, fanfic idea.

And to save myself from temptation, I will start writing now and then upload the finished product onto fanfiction.net after Lent is over.

Now it's time to get over this prolonged bout of Writer's Block and start writing!

Until next time...

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Alana

Monday, March 10, 2014

A Sad Fact

A Sad Fact

A sad fact about those who hurt you
Is that there will come a day when 
They will forget all about you
And all you can remember is them

Never Have I Ever: February 2014

February: bowled at the Texas Union Underground.
Bonus: Never Have I Ever done glow in the dark bowling!

Never Have I Ever: January 2014

January: been to a North Texas game

Sunday, March 9, 2014

What's the Word...

What's the word for someone who hasn't been able to write more than a poem or two since November 17?

That would be November 17 of last year. As in I haven't written much of anything in four months. In my world, that's an eternity.

Usually, when life goes wrong, writing is my way of dealing. It allows me to escape from everything. I haven't had that escape during this latest bout of whatever.

Actually, not whatever. A mixture of my usual propensity towards depressive feelings plus the Seasonal Affective Disorderish issues I deal with during the winter. Mix these with an acute case of dealing with some drama at a former job caused by individuals who proved themselves to be untrustworthy on the highest order and the fact that my grandma was hospitalized on November 17, and you've got the last few months of my existence.

A couple of weeks after that, my grandma was diagnosed with cancer. Not sure if it started in her colon and moved to her lung or vice versa, but there you have it.

It's a strange back and forth. While I'm not that close with her, the thought that she has something that could kill her brought on a bunch of emotions I'm not used to feeling. It's not that I don't know that death happens. She's my last grandparent. The third diagnosed with cancer. The other two who were died from it in one way or another.

It kept me here even though I was accepted into grad school. By the way, I got accepted into grad school. University of Memphis, to be exact. Crazy in itself considering that in the years that I had been researching different programs, I never even knew they had one. I found out shortly before I sent out my GRE scores. Turns out to be the perfect fit for me when it comes to opportunities, both academically and in general.

Found out I got accepted a couple of days before November 17. The day sticks in my mind because it's my cousin's birthday. It was the first time all of us were going to be together in forever, so while the kids were bowling (the one thing my cousin has always wanted to do, but has never gotten the chance), I was going to tell the adults my good news.

We were driving to his birthday party when we found out she was in the hospital.

There went my good news. 

So I'm still at home for the time being, taking online courses to keep up with my program, but close enough just in case.

Just in case....

But now I'm trying to write again. This is a foreign concept because I've never needed to try to write. It's one of the few things I've never had to try doing, but I've been lost without being able to create anything.

So here I am. Again. Trying to regain a new sense of normal because I think the person I was on November 16 is gone. 

Until next time....


Thank you for taking the time to read my latest entry. Please feel free to follow and never miss another post by clicking here.

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Thanks again for reading 
Alana