Sunday, March 9, 2014

What's the Word...

What's the word for someone who hasn't been able to write more than a poem or two since November 17?

That would be November 17 of last year. As in I haven't written much of anything in four months. In my world, that's an eternity.

Usually, when life goes wrong, writing is my way of dealing. It allows me to escape from everything. I haven't had that escape during this latest bout of whatever.

Actually, not whatever. A mixture of my usual propensity towards depressive feelings plus the Seasonal Affective Disorderish issues I deal with during the winter. Mix these with an acute case of dealing with some drama at a former job caused by individuals who proved themselves to be untrustworthy on the highest order and the fact that my grandma was hospitalized on November 17, and you've got the last few months of my existence.

A couple of weeks after that, my grandma was diagnosed with cancer. Not sure if it started in her colon and moved to her lung or vice versa, but there you have it.

It's a strange back and forth. While I'm not that close with her, the thought that she has something that could kill her brought on a bunch of emotions I'm not used to feeling. It's not that I don't know that death happens. She's my last grandparent. The third diagnosed with cancer. The other two who were died from it in one way or another.

It kept me here even though I was accepted into grad school. By the way, I got accepted into grad school. University of Memphis, to be exact. Crazy in itself considering that in the years that I had been researching different programs, I never even knew they had one. I found out shortly before I sent out my GRE scores. Turns out to be the perfect fit for me when it comes to opportunities, both academically and in general.

Found out I got accepted a couple of days before November 17. The day sticks in my mind because it's my cousin's birthday. It was the first time all of us were going to be together in forever, so while the kids were bowling (the one thing my cousin has always wanted to do, but has never gotten the chance), I was going to tell the adults my good news.

We were driving to his birthday party when we found out she was in the hospital.

There went my good news. 

So I'm still at home for the time being, taking online courses to keep up with my program, but close enough just in case.

Just in case....

But now I'm trying to write again. This is a foreign concept because I've never needed to try to write. It's one of the few things I've never had to try doing, but I've been lost without being able to create anything.

So here I am. Again. Trying to regain a new sense of normal because I think the person I was on November 16 is gone. 

Until next time....

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